We all have memories connected to specific songs. When we hear those songs they can catapult us into intense emotions. Whether it's a song that makes you reminisce about that one summer in high school having the most wonderful time of your life, or it's a song that brings back the feeling of a brick in the pit of your stomach because it reminds you of a dark time in your life, it's natural and it happens to all of us. For me, I have songs upon songs all connected to very specific memories and emotions. I've always been someone with a deep passion for music, so I think one of the biggest ways I make memories is by connecting them to music.
Recently, I've been finding that I've been dwelling on the past a lot. I'm not quite sure why. Maybe because it's winter, and we all seem to be a little bit more gloomy this time of year, or maybe I just have too much downtime now that I have my own room. But my memories of the months leading up to getting sick have been in the back of mind for a few weeks now, and there is one song that I can't seem to stop thinking of.
"Mine" by Taylor Swift was the first single off of her album Speak Now. It was released as a single in August of 2010, which in my memories was one of the happiest times in my life. I was 16, working at Ralph Lauren, had my license, and my own car. I was literally carefree. My nephew was seven months old, and I got to spend a lot of quality time with him because he and my sister were living with us. Whenever I hear "Mine", immediately, I am 16 again. I'm getting ready for my junior year in high school by shopping with my mom at the outlets in Kittery. We are at the Ralph Lauren outlet buying some clothes that weren't in stock at the store in Freeport where I worked. I was generally pretty healthy and had just returned from an amazing two weeks as a leader in training at the YMCA Camp of Maine. I was planning on applying for a full counselor job for the following summer. I was at a point in my life where I was finally gaining some freedom. I could drive myself to and from school, so if I needed to stay after for any reason, I didn't have to call my mom and wait for a ride. I could hop in the car and go hang out with my friends whenever I wanted to. My life was really spontaneous. There's one night I specifically remember where I had just gotten out of a long day at work, it was about 8:30 pm, and my friend told me to come to his house where there was an impromptu party in his backyard. So I threw on my boots, drove right over, and we all had a really amazingly fun night.
When I look back at these memories I remember how happy and carefree I was. Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not happy now, because I am. I can say that I truly love my life right now. But when I compare my 16 year old self and my current self, I can find many differences, the largest being that any sense of being carefree has been completely stripped from me.
I worry all the time now. I think it's just a consequence of being a teenage girl with a chronic illness. I worry about being able to return to my previous physical condition. I worry about relapse, A LOT. I worry about losing the weight I gained from life-saving medical treatments three years ago. I worry about whether I'll ever be able to find a job in the corporate retail industry. I worry if people even take me seriously, or if I'm just brushed off as another invalid in a wheelchair. I worry about being at Target, by myself, without a wheelchair, and falling without any way to stand up. And for as much as I claim that I don't care what people think about me, I worry about that too, more than I should. My mind is constantly running now in comparison to three and half years ago.
Something else that is very different is that I have this strange need to have every second of my day planned out. If someone says "let's get dinner later" I want to know what time and where we're gonna eat. I like to know how much time I have to work with, mainly because I need an afternoon nap. But sometimes I can't nap until around 4 or so, so if they want to eat at 5 then I need to know, so I can skip my nap. There's a lot of thinking and planning that has to go into my days, it's exhausting. I also have a hard time just hopping in the car and driving somewhere with friends. I can't go anywhere where I'll need to be wheelchairless for more than 30 minutes, otherwise, I'll have to drive so I can bring my wheelchair, providing the building is wheelchair accessible. So I find that I often miss out on typical college activities with friends.
So this ended up being a longer than expected post, but 3 minutes and 51 seconds of a song can evoke a lot of emotion. Usually, I try not to let myself listen to "Mine" because it brings back so many memories, but recently I haven't been holding myself back so much simply for the fact that it's a really good song.
Just keep going Caroline. I know its hard sometimes to miss out on things that other people are doing and it totally sucks, but then there are the things that you DO get to do and you find yourself remembering those times and feeling that there is so much more you can do. Remember back in 2006 I had my first ever TM attack? I worked so hard and went to AK the following summer to work. It was 'the bush' but it was a cush job and I loved it. Just remember that if you work at it and keep a positive mind you can do anything, seriously. Love you chica. Heather
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