I feel like it's a rare occasion that I actually say anything like this out loud, but I would give absolutely anything and everything to be able to have a normally functioning body again. I try to make the best of a not so great situation, but there's always the fact that I can't do the same things anymore. Most of the time I can get along just fine, trying not to think about what I can't do, but rather the fact that I'm alive and have the ability to live on my own. Because after my whole existence was up in the air, it's pretty incredible that I'm almost halfway through college, and have been living on my own for the majority of the last two years.
It's that time of year, the weather is getting warm again, and it's supposed to be really warm tomorrow, but the nicest weather always brings out the worst of my thoughts. Maybe it's because I was always a slug in the winter, so not much has changed in that part of my life. But when I see my friends who are able to go out for a run, or are able to go play in the city for the day and don't have to worry about making sure every building is accessible, I get jealous. I should be able to do those things. I mean, I'm (almost) 20 after all. What 20-year-old wants to sit inside, knowing that their friends are all out having fun? Not this one that's for sure. But lately that's how my life has been going. I would give anything to be out there with them.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for, but it's hard to be thankful for just being able to breathe when the majority of my friends will be studying abroad in the next couple years. The worst is when I'm asked if I'll be studying abroad. Because I have to pretend like I don't mind that it's logistically impossible for me to travel through Europe in power wheelchair. I have to politely say no and leave it at that, because I know that whoever I'm talking to could not possibly understand why it's so hard to travel in a wheelchair. (And traveling in Europe at that.) I've always had the travel bug, so this stings. I've always wanted to travel the world, but it's hard to see that even being a possibility these days.
I just want to be able to run and play in the waves at the beach. But we all know that if I tried that, I'd end up doing a face plant right into the sand, and probably injuring myself in some way. And I know what probably 90% of you are thinking right now. "You can do it if you put your mind to it!" And while I really appreciate those very kind thoughts of encouragement, putting my mind to it will only get me so far. A lot of my hard work depends purely on how I'm feeling that day. I live with chronic fatigue. This means that many days, I wake up and my entire body feels like jello, regardless of the fact that I just got a perfect night's sleep. So as hard as I try, I only have so much energy for the day. And most of the time, I just end up napping, intentionally or not. I just wish I could be out of my wheelchair completely. Because I don't feel like someone who needs a wheelchair. I feel like a normal person. I can walk, just not for too long or on really uneven surfaces.
I'd love for a day to come when I can leave my apartment in the morning, wherever I may be living, (hopefully a city,) and not come back until the end of the day, never having even looked at my wheelchair. I just have to keep working at it because on those days when my legs don't feel like jello, I feel like I could take on the world. So I do.
No comments:
Post a Comment